Weekly Squirrel Observation post no. 4

We apologize to the squirrel masses for our absenteeism in these past two weeks. The holidays and family obligatory events (fun ones) have torn our time (and us) apart. But we come together again for the renewed subscription of WSO and other tidbits that amuse us.

Thursday, 22 December: Canadian squirrel we’ll call Joe (my name is Joe and I am Canadian). Joe was seen trailing back and forth repeatedly on the highwire trapeze that is my aunt Audrey’s backyard telephone poles. Not exactly sure what Joe was playing at, but he was sure wasting a lot of precious winter energy running back and forth with his balancing act. Doesn’t he know there is an acorn shortage this year? (see previous WSO for further info). Joe carried on pacing the lines between poles for more than twenty minutes. I eventually gave up watching him, hoping he would soon desist in his relentless scurrying. I can only hope he has squirrelled away enough acorns to make up for this energy he expelled. Otherwise, he will be one sad squirrel in a few weeks. Let this be a lesson to all of us (grad students) who are entering the bleak months of limited funding. Grab those bagels and acorns while you can!

Sunday, 1 January, approx. 2pm: While on a surprisingly warm Braghan stroll (it was nearly 50 degrees F in Dover today), the squirrels of Dover seemed peculiarly active and pulled from their nests this New Year’s day – perhaps after last night’s thick fog of the initial 2012 thaw. The following were all observations made on this single jaunt:

Frenzied squirrel in a rush: As we casually made our way along Fisher Street toward Locust Avenue, a squirrel who did not pause long enough to give us his name darted out in front of us and scampered hurriedly up a tree. Normally, we would not be bothered posting about such a brief encounter. However, this one required some attention, considering not only his proximity (did he step on my foot?) but also his single-minded haste and complete disregard for us enormous pedestrians. We have the right of way, sir!

Shortly thereafter, we heard (before seeing) something that sounded rather squeakish. Upon first hearing this sound, we thought maybe it was a bird. However, closer investigation revealed Robin (you know, ’cause he sounded like one) perched high in his tree, calling out to someone or something we couldn’t see. The chirping sounded a bit lonely and sad, so we’re hoping whatever it was he was looking for, he found. Perhaps we have observed evidence of the squirrel equivalent of online dating. Good luck, friend Robin!

By far, the most engrossing squirrel of the day – or perhaps month – was a youth named Ferguson, a young red amateur who thought he could take on an entire soggy sweater. The sweater, obviously having been left out in the rain on the back of a lawn chair, resisted stubbornly. Yet, Ferguson kept on tugging, either from unusually squirrelly persistence, or youthful over-confidence. The tugging went on for quite a few minutes before Ferguson caught wind of spies. No doubt he deduced other interested parties. He flew up the tree in order to keep a wider eye on his prize. No doubt, also, that he is still attempting to hoist that sweater into the tree. We shall return another day to see if he has succeeded.

Finally, forget the stupid chicken. No one ever asks why the squirrel crossed the road. This last observation is, sadly, an obituary. Flapjack was most likely a lively squirrel. Kind-hearted, sure of foot, and bushy-tailed in the manner of all his kindred. However, in an unfortunate vehicular encounter, Flapjack met an untimely end. This was the one time his feet could not carry him to safety. We are truly sorry, Flapjack, for the driver of whichever vehicle ran you over. Obviously, he was not a squirrel lover. Rest in peace, Flapjack the squishéd squirrel.

This concludes the 2011 WSO posts and begins the 2012 WSO posts. Here’s to another year of squirrelly madness! Cheers!

Weekly Squirrel Observation post no. 3

‘Tis a light squirrel WSO this week. We believe nutting season is coming soon to a close. It may also be that we have kept so distracting by the doings of the final weeks of school that we have had little tiny for our furry-tailed friends. If that be the case, we most sincerely apologize.

This week’s sole sighting happened on Wednesday at 1:16 p.m. across the street from the Durham Bagelry. Said squirrel thusly dubbed Sir John Falstaff was the portliest squirrel we have yet seen. He was unable to perform the bounding scurry that is the modus operandi of most of his kind, relying instead on a sort of stately lumber. This may be due to the close proximity of delicious bagels and cream cheese – squirrels do love the creamy cheese, you know.

That is all for this week’s WSO. Again, we are sad for its brevity, but hope to gain further intelligence in the near future. Meanwhile, we curl our toes in end-of-semester paper grading and research stuffs.

Ode to Gabby

To the gregarious, affectionate, encyclopaedic, voluptuous pizza maven who serves us our Thursday night scrumptiousness:

You have taught us so much
(like at least three pizzas
that do not appear on the La Festa
menu of godliness). You
surprise us
with your quick wit,
un-annoying chatter,
and amazing cognitive recall.
Thanks to you we now
appreciate the cucumber in a whole
new way.
You sample pizzas the way
a sommelier samples fine wines,
constantly improving and expanding
your palate – and ours.

We thank you, dear Gabby.
See you next Thursday for a new dish.

The Post-Thanksgiving Braghan Reunion

You will all be pleased to know that Braghan is once again a complete Monarchical figure, rather than cleft in twain.

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two

The Thanksgiving time was bleak, but we have endured and both halves have come together again in glory. One advantage of our brief separation was our ability to observe twice as many squirrels in far-flung locations. Our regular readers will have noticed the high quality of the most recent WSO. See? You clicked on the link, right? Really? Well, do it now, then.

Transition paragraph here. So, all of you can stop asking us how we are getting along without our other half. Our first order of business when reunited was delicious pastas, when really we should be completing our academic work for the semester. But time apart left a rift, which needed immediate repairing. Academic work be damned!

It has recently occurred to us that our particular field of expertise is somewhat lacking in terminological exactitude. We have, therefore, defined a new field of study: Braghanology – the study of squirrels (not the study of Braghan, because we do value our privacy somewhat, as this blog clearly indicates).

P.S. Is it clear we’ve written this after a few glasses of wine? Each?

P.P.S. Where’s that bottle?

 

Weekly Squirrel Observation post no. 2

It’s that time of the week! Here is your new dose of the WSO, brought to you fresh by Braghan:

This sighting comes from farther afield than usual, as the Thanksgiving holiday caused a rare Braghan split.  At 10:15 AM, we spotted a thin, nervous looking squirrel atop the brick wall surrounding Mackemie Church in Snow Hill, MD.  We have named this one Twitch because that is what he was doing.  Staring intently into the cemetery, he repeatedly swiped his tail rapidly up and down as though he had consumed far too many cups of coffee that morning.  This behavior continued for nearly seven minutes before Twitch leaped to the ground out of sight.  Our working theory is that Twitch is a spirit squirrel inhabiting the Mackemie graveyard, repeatedly shaking his tail in an effort to alert us mortals to the unfound cache of acorns which he never returned to in life. Perhaps later attempts to locate said cache will finally put Twitch to rest.

The Foraging Road

Black Friday, 2:17pm. On the road to Squirrelly Paradise, Braghan spotted a colony of friendly foragers. This sciurine Eden is conveniently located close to Braghan’s lofty nest. Perhaps these nut-gatherers were partaking in their own version of Black Friday, since the frenzy seemed to create quite the mob on the forest floor.  One squirrel in particular (we’ll call him Mikhail, since his twinkle-footed vaulting and leaping reminded us of that studly Russian ballet dancer) took a moment out of his busy scavenging to observe us observing him. At first, frightened of such a large and sudden creature, Mikhail scurried halfway up a tree. He paused again, however, to contemplate our curiosity. We looked at him. He looked at us. After a few moments of this, Mikhail decided that Braghan was of no immediate concern of his, and continued on his way, deftly bounding from branch to branch and tree to tree, so gracefully. We applaud you, Sir Mikhail, and hope to again have the pleasure of another performance.

The next sighting comes from a guest contributor, Braghan and Squirrel appreciator, Lisa:

This fall, I’ve watched my neighborhood squirrel eat so much his belly now hangs down like a fat cat’s gut as he balances on the thin fence post. I see him out the kitchen window when I look away from the student papers I’m grading. He bounds out of sight, then re-appears out a different frame of glass, a nut as large as his head held in his jaw. It looks effortless. Between the weight on his body and the weight in his mouth, I have no idea how he manages to be graceful — but nonetheless, grace he has. Sometimes I stand beside the window and stare at him. Stock still, he stares back. I think he might have the better life, his task simple: Eat nuts. Grow fat. Prepare for a long nap. Those are challenges I would like.

Thanks again to our guest, Lisa, for contributing to this week’s squirrel observation post. Tune in again next week for continuing WSOs.

Weekly Squirrel Observation Post no.1

Monday, 12:53 pm:  Squirrel sighting on the green between Hamilton-Smith Hall and the UNH Union. This particular squirrel was not particularly robust, but slightly plump, as campus squirrels tend to be. We shall nickname this squirrel Tom for the purposes of this post (because our English department does not contain enough Toms to begin with). Tom the squirrel was seen carrying a rather large nut in his mouth, for which he seemed to be searching for a proper burial spot. He tried several within a square yard radius (it was either square or circular, depending on your mathematical outlook, or whether using metric or US systems). While passing this ongoing activity, it was apparent that Tom had not yet succeeding in procuring said hole in the ground. We wish him well as the search continues.

Tuesday, 8:36 am: Squirrel sighting while on the bus from Dover to UNH campus (bus 3A via route 155). This squirrel, who shall be named Reginald for this post, scampered in front of the bus, placing his little life in fatal jeopardy, and nearly amputating the hindmost hairs of his bushy tail. This was a brief sighting, for, thankfully, Reginald possesses speed of an unusual quickness for a squirrel. Thus, he survived this encounter. However, we hope that Reginald will be more careful in future road-crossing attempts, particularly on days of heavy traffic.

That is all for this, the first Weekly Squirrel Observation post. Tune in next week for your next dose of WSO. It was not a squirrel heavy week this week, and we suspect the following may have something to do with it: Boston Globe on “Fall Disappearance.”

Please support your local squirrels in their time of need.

Braghan’s Modest Teaching Philosophy

We believe that, unfortunately, children are the future. The bright-eyed waifs and punks sitting in our writing classroom today are tomorrow’s doctors, economists, politicians, and waste management officials. This frightens us. Our students are empty vessels with holes in bottom that we are futilely and relentlessly trying to fill.

We also believe that this fruitless task takes precedence over any semblance of a personal life. We are willing to put off relationships, family, entertainment, and our health, while we tilt at baseball-capped windmills.

We strive to create a classroom atmosphere that veers wildly between desperation and boredom. In order to accomplish this, we like to assign our students texts that are far beyond their ability to comprehend, so that we might demonstrate our intellectual superiority over them. When this fails, we turn to modern media to crudely translate from dense rich text to the shallow mediocrity that is Hollywood – the only culture they seem to understand. Why read Taming of the Shrew, when Ten Things I Hate About You will suffice (and with far less planning effort on our part)?

When grading, we are strict proponents of the “stair method.” To execute the stair method, one simple stands at the bottom of a staircase, chucks students papers into the air in the direction of said stairs, and assumes that the most intellectual will land highest. Students who care enough to suggest that grading is arbitrary probably deserve a B, anyway.

We believe that our most relevant work experience stems from our teenage years of babysitting. With this, we can finally put into practice the necessary babysitting skills that are required in our college-level classrooms, but with a sufficient pay reduction to justify the decrease in work ethic.

We believe in shame as a powerful tool in the classroom. Whenever a student splices a comma or dangles a modifier, we shall be there to loudly and publicly call him out and make him the object of the ridicule of his uncaring peers.

Teaching is a calling, but we have no phones. However, if we fail at teaching, we are certain that we are equally qualified to brand cattle, farm mangoes, or intern for a Republican primary candidate.

We also believe in squirrels as an important pedagogical tool.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Braghan

To the nuts of the realm:

We have decided to consolidate our lives, in order to make everything run more efficiently. This should not come as a surprise to many of you. We shall henceforth be known as “Braghan.” Rather than give our opinions on our respective social media outlets, all our continued commentary will be collaboratively written on this page. We know this will make your lives much easier, as you will no longer have to check multiple sources for our brilliant thoughts. Instead of addressing Brad and Meaghan respectively, you can now economize by addressing Braghan. You are welcome.

Stay tuned for further squirrelly adventures…